I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize