He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
