so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
