Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
