i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
