I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
