i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
