I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My feet surprised me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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