I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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