whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's never too late to be topless.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Holy sore nipples Batman
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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