I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
