whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
