Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
