I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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