So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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