i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
