i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
