They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
