Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
