I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
