I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
