Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
