Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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