I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
