My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
high people should be assigned attendants
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
