how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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