You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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