I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
