Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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