your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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