how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
