remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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