i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
