i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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