got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
