the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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