We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
