dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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