genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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