don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
