I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
