I'm going to jail i love you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
