I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
