I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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