So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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