everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
