new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
