i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize