You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
