Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
