Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
