Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
