I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Porn is love you can see.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
