I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
