I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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