I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
