so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want a musical about memes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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